A Self-Interview
Conducted 1 September
2004
Q: Thanks for sitting
and answering some questions, Bill.
A: Umm...I don't really have a choice, do I,
since this is a self-interview and all.
Q: Right.
Why do you think I've stooped to this?
A: Probably because Stephen King did it a few
years ago and, while your imagination can be great, you're often derivative.
Q: Well, besides that.
A: Because no one else wants to interview me,
either.
Q: Besides that, also.
A: You mean there's another reason?
Q: Hey, I'm supposed to be asking the questions
here. See over there? It says Q. That stands for question.
A: Yes, I know. But you haven't asked a question for a while. Now if we're going to do this, let's do it. I have work to do.
Q: Like you've been doing most of the night?
A: Well, some of the night.
Q: Right.
Okay. From the Borderlands
was released by Warner Books yesterday.
How's it feel to be in such great company--
A: Well, it's an hon--
Q: Wait, I'm not done asking the question. That's pretty rude, you know.
A: I'm sorry.
Q: I mean, just because you happen to have a
story in an anthology with the likes of Stephen King, Whitley Strieber, Bentley
Little, John Farris, and other good writers, doesn't mean you can just walk all
over me.
A: I'm sorry.
I didn't mean--
Q: No.
You never mean to, do you? Just
like when you stole that pen in the third grade after the field trip to the
Dartmouth Children's Museum.
A: What?
Q: Ah!
You didn't think I'd remember that, did you? Well I do. You took it
right out of that kid's desk and lost it!
A: I only wanted to see it. It came apart. I didn't mean to lose it.
Q: Loser.
A: Hey, now, look. I'm tired of this. If you
want to interview me then you'd better start because--
Q: I know, I know. The book. The book. Why didn't you do anything on it all day
today?
A: Well, it was a bad day.
Q: How come?
A: That's personal.
Q: But I thought you wanted me to ask deep,
penetrating questions.
A: I do.
Q: Then why was your day bad?
A: I'm not going to answer that.
Q: Fine.
You're a tough interview.
A: You're an--
Q: Anyway, tell me about "The Growth of
Alan Ashley."
A: Well, there's not much to tell, really. It's--
Q: Okay then, next question--
A: But I never answered your last question.
Q: Yes you did.
A: No, I didn't.
Q: Yes, you did. I said, "tell me about 'The Growth of
Alan Ashley.' And you said, "Well,
there's not much to tell, really."
A: That wasn't my answer, though.
Q: Well, you should've thought about that
before you said it. That's the problem
nowadays. No one thinks before they
speak. Had you taken a moment, you may
have had more to say.
A: I did.
Q: Did what?
A: Have more to say.
Q: Then why didn't you say it?
(Bill leaves the
room.)
Q: Sheesh.
The arrogance is already starting....
Copyright © 2004 Bill Gauthier.